Nothing like being threatened by a 10-year old

Yes, I had a 10 year old in my class who thought he was a tough guy. He actually faked a punch at me---I've had kids give me the evil eye, I've had kids hit me accidentally when they were swinging at another kid. But this was the first time that I can recall having an elementary student who actually tried to intimidate me. Was I intimidated? No, but I did flinch. I'm still kicking myself for flinching, but it was so unexpected.

Then to top things off, after I had called the office so they could deal with this kid, he actually said this to me, "Shut up, old man!" Can you believe that old man? I'm 36 years old. I'm definitely not old---there were lots of kids at this school who were in their 60's, so even comparatively I'm not old. I've been called lots of things by students, they usually like to say something about my fatness, but never have I been called old. The whole incident was surreal.

Other than that, it was a pretty good day. I have decided that I like subbing for the special education classes. The classes are small, I had 5 to 8 students at a time. I actually get to work with and teach students. You don't know what a big deal that is to me. I love teaching, but I absolutely despise all the other bullshit that goes with the job as a teacher.

Happy Turkey Day to all. Gobble gobble!

School of Rock? Kind of, but not really.

There haven't been a lot of substituting assignments available this month, so even though I was very hesitant I accepted an assignment as a Elementary School Vocal Music substitute. No, I do not have any real music training (I had a year of piano lessons and I played trombone in high school, at which I royally sucked). So its all the more humorous when I found out that in addition to teaching the general music classes I would also be teaching 5th grade woodwinds and 4th grade violins.

If I would have known about the squeaking clarinets and the shrieking violins I would have brought ear plugs today. So how does one teach music lessons when they have no talent themselves, they place a CD into the school's boombox and tell the students to follow along. The CD that the students played along was hilarious, because all the students are really capable of doing is playing the same 2 or 3 notes over and over. So to make it sound more exciting the CD has an accompaniment with these rocking guitars. It works, because the kids thought it sounded cool.

Another interesting thing about working as a music sub is you work with a wider range of students. I taught a kindergarten class, 3rd graders, 4th graders, and 5th graders. Even though I was completely unqualified to teach this class it was easily one of my easiest sub assignments ever. I would "teach" for 40 minutes, and then I would get a 30 minute "planning period", also known as a break. Plus, I had 1.25 hours for lunch instead of the usual 45 minutes or hour lunch that I get when I sub as a regular classroom teacher.

Oh and today I learned that I can't say the word "accompaniment". It was on one of the word puzzles that the 5th grade music class had to complete. I tried saying the word about five times and it comes out gibberish. I keep trying at home and I still can't say it. There is nothing quite like showing your incompetence to a room of ten year olds.

A lump of coal for you

I arrived at my job today (actually almost 20 minutes early) and the teacher had left me no sub plans and very little work for the class. I would be subbing for a second grade class. She did have her lesson plan book, but the notes in her lesson plan book were very much shorthand. I had no information about how long to spend on each subject, I didn't even have times listed for lunch or recess. Her plans for math said - estimation. That was it. It also said estimation for yesterday and also next week. So all I really knew is that the lesson had been introduced, and that she would be spending a little bit of time on the subject. Since this was a second grade class it was very likely that this was the first time that they had talked about estimation. Needless to say I was completely winging it. Just to add some excitement to things, the principal of the school decided to come and sit in on my lesson. This is the first time that I have had this happen as a substitute, that the principal was watching me teach. A little bit unnerving, but luckily even though I was winging it I definitely was in my rhythm today.

My other high/low point of the day is when one of the kids at recess (yes, I somehow managed to have recess duty), came up to me and said that with my goatee and belly that I looked like Santa Claus. Thanks kid! That's a lump of coal for you on December 25th.

Come to think of it, maybe that is my new discipline strategy. I will convince all the younger kids that I am actually Santa Claus on a secret mission to discover which kids are being naughty or nice. Heh, heh, heh---let my evil plan begin.

Free Ice Cream - Not a chance

Sub jobs have been pretty limited this month. I'm not sure why; maybe its because teachers know that they have breaks in their near future. Well it means that I don't really have the option to turn down any jobs that are available. So I accepted another Special Education assignment today. I figured it couldn't be that bad because it was only a half day assignment (12:30 to 4:00). It ended up being even easier than that because the from 12:30 to 1:30 the teacher had her lunch break, which now became my lunch break. I only had students from 1:30 to 3:00 (because students had recess at the end of the day and went back to their homerooms). So in terms of the amount of work, it was a pretty cushy assignment.

Was it perfect? No, Even though it was a special education class I think in actuality it was their class of chronic liars. It was a small group of students, of the 12 students in the class, at least 8 of them tried feeding me some line of bullshit. Lies about other kids behavior. Lies about what class they were supposed to be in. One of the kids even tried telling me that I was supposed to give them ice cream at the end of the day, because that is what the regular teacher does. I really wonder if they thought that I looked that naive? Obviously they did. But needless to say, no one got any free ice cream today.

The other annoying thing about this class was that they were throwing around the word "gay" and "faggot" at each other left and right. So many of the kids were doing it that there wasn't anything that could really be done to put a stop to it. Name calling annoys me, it is so stupid, it snowballs once it starts, and there is very little that a substitute can do to stop it. When I was a regular teacher I could make the lives of the name callers very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point that it wasn't in their interest to let me hear the name calling. But that process usually took a couple of weeks to work out, as a substitute I don't have that luxury.

Maybe I Shouldn't Complain

Nobody had to be tasered in my class today. That has to be something, right?

School Assemblies

School assemblies tend to be a mixed blessing. There are enough other teachers around, and usually a principal also so you really don't have to worry about student behavior that much. It is a break from teaching.

But the assemblies themselves can be quite horrific. Today I was at one of the inner city schools in my district. The school is about 75% African American. For some reason someone decided to invite a dance/gymnastic group for the school assembly. The fifty dancers were from one of the well to do suburbs outside of the district. 95% of the dancers were white.

How do the dancers decide to begin the assembly? With a hip-hop routine of course. I am cringing with embarrassment for the entire race of white people. Who thought this was a good idea? The even sadder thing is...they weren't good. They weren't good dancers, they weren't good looking. The boys in my class and all the other classes start laughing immediately. The assembly has just started and I want it to be over now.

The girls are all tramped out. Way too much lipstick. Way too much makeup in general. Their routine involves several hip thrusts toward the crowd and toward each other. Somebody thought this was appropriate for 1st to 5th graders? Get real!

Balance

I knew it would happen. Yesterday was far too easy and fun of a day. Life always balances out. I don't know where to start

1. I got lost on the way to work today. Ok not really lost, but who hides an elementary school inside of a high school. Well that would be my silly district, an elementary school and a high school housed in the same building. Of course the high school's name is on the big sign out front. The elementary school sign is tucked in a corner and was only visible if you happened to be arriving from the south, I of course was driving from the north. Maybe the elementary school is in the witness protection program.

2. Upon arrival in the office I was warmly welcomed by the secretary, told about a free luncheon for teachers, told there was an afternoon assembly, and pointed toward my room for the day. The school's janitor was waiting at my door to unlock it for me. He also warmly welcomed me and said just to ask if I needed anything. Maybe this was going to be a good day!

3. I accepted this job a few days ago, so it was not an unexpected absence for the regular teacher. The teacher had time to prepare for a substitute. I start reading through the teacher's lesson plans-the plans are vague beyond belief. Example:

9:00 - 10:30 Reading Block with Room 107. See notes.
10:30 - 11:30 Social Studies with Group A. See notes.

I start wondering, what is group A? Am I switching classes, are different classes coming to my room? I don't know because her plans don't give any details. I also have no lunch count sheet in my room. So back to the office I go. Of course the office is empty. I wait for over 5 minutes and no one comes. Finally I run into the secretary as I was walking back to my class.

Another piece of good news. The school doesn't take lunch counts. No explanation, but I don't care. Its the part of the day that I despise so I'm just glad not to have to deal with it. She tells me the fifth grade is split into 3 groups based on behavior. And she tells me that its my lucky day because group A is the good behavior group. Excellent news for me.

4. Students begin to arrive, the teacher has left a note on the board telling the students to behave and to grab a paper from the table to start the day. It is a handwriting paper, and for some stupid reason the teacher only left enough papers for about 2/3 of the class. So all ready 1/3 of the class has a reason to start goofing off.

5. Attendance. You can pretty much figure out which students are going to be a problem as soon as you start to take attendance. This is probably a good thing. You know exactly which names to learn, and which names to leave in the note at the end of the day. Here is a hint, students, if you have a substitute be quiet for the first 15 minutes of the day, and then you can probably get away with murder the other 6 hours because the substitute probably won't know your name.

6. I'm not even done with attendance at this point and I have students yelling across the room, arguing with each other, out of their seats. We start the reading lesson and I have 2 girls who are refusing to work. I start to wonder, if I have group A and they are the good students, what the hell is group C like? Are they convicted felons?

7. The principal and her assistant stop by my class several times throughout the day. It does nothing to stop the behavior of the rowdy students. They just keep screwing around without a care in the world.

8. Assembly---this deserves its own separate post.

9. Birthday celebration. A girl's mother arrives with cupcakes for the entire class. Just what this class needs--Sugar. Luckily the day will be over in 30 minutes.

Smooth Sailing / Students That Work

I was back at my neighborhood school today. Once again it was an absolute treat to be at that school. It is amazing to work with a group of students who understand why they are at school. They are at students to learn. You give these students work to do, they do their work. You ask students to be quiet, they are quiet. The students actually picked up books and read on their own when they finished their work.

I know this sounds like a bunch of boring docile students, but they really aren't. They laugh, they are noisy, they are silly just like any other fourth graders. The difference is when it is time to work, they work. And I didn't have to drive these students with threats. The only thing I had to say is if students didn't finish their class work during class they would have to finish it during recess. And that wasn't even that big of a threat because it rained like crazy today, so everyone was going to be inside one way or another.

Things went so smoothly today that I had several empty spots during the day. It took us less than thirty minutes to complete the math lesson that the regular teacher planned for us to spend an hour. And it was like that for everything today.

I really wonder what makes for such a good class. The teacher didn't seem to have any strict discipline procedures in place. Maybe its the parents. I just don't know. All I know is that I like going to this school a lot. The principal even asked at the end of the day if I would come back again. Come back again? Hell yeah! I get to teach. I don't have a headache at the end of the day. The kids are happy to see me there. Yes, I would return in a second.

Well tomorrow I am at a new school, and for some silly reason I am teaching a 5th grade class. This will be the oldest bunch that I have taught this year, I hope I am not making a mistake.

Whack-A-Mole

Have you ever played the classic arcade/carnival game, Whack-A-Mole? Substitute teaching is a lot like that game. Sometimes you get into a certain rhythm where you are hitting each and every mole perfectly. Other times you miss one silly little mole and its impossible to get your rhythm back and you end up with a suck score and no tickets.

What the hell does this have to do with substitute teaching? Well the moles are students acting up. They might be talking. They might be out of their seat. They might be sleeping instead of working. They might be clicking their tongue loudly. It could be anything. The goal of the teacher is to extinguish these behaviors that are interrupting the lesson. Sometimes when I've found my rhythm all I have to do is give a student a certain look and they will stop what they are doing. Other times I might just stand next to them for a little while. The days when I have my teaching rhythm going, I can handle and control almost any sort of student behavior.

Today was not one of those days. I've had a nasty head cold for the past week, and this was my first day back in school. Truthfully, my head was still spinning from an overload of cold medicine.

The day doesn't get off to a good start, the school office is swamped when I arrive so I can't get anyone to check me in or tell me to which room to report. I finally find the room and it is locked, so I have to wait for someone to open up the room. Fifteen minutes have no been wasted in which I could have been reading the lesson plans---instead I have less than ten minutes to figure out my whole day. Just to add to the confusion the office starts making announcements about it being picture day and that there will also be an assembly.

Before I realize it students start arriving. They are talking. No one wants to sit down. No one wants to do the work that their teacher left on the board. They start asking to use the bathroom. And this is all in the first five minutes of the school day.

I start asking, and then telling students to sit down and do their work. They could care less about anything I have had to say. The talking increases. The students moving around increases. My voice gets louder and firmer. It doesn't matter. I have lost my rhythm and I won't be getting it back today. By the day is over I have kids kicking each other. Girls are crying. A student is in the principal office. I've been told several times that they want their real teacher back. Two students have snuck into the room during a bathroom break and thrown everyone's work on the floor. Oh yeah---and this is a 3rd grade class that I taught today.

I'm sure my rhythm will be back next week. They will be a different class, and I will be a different teacher (hopefully one not at all groggy on cold medicine). And most of all I will be thinking hard about proper Whack-A-Mole strategy---start strong, finish strong, and don't let a single mole leave your sight.