Further proof that parents are wacky

If red ink is going to make your child break down in tears, I think you have bigger problems to worry about! CNN.com - Red ink falling out of favor with teachers - Apr 4, 2005

More NRA Stupidity

Do the directors of the NRA sit around seeing who can come up with the stupidest idea?

The End

Well I have been officially offered a new job at the local library. I will be in charge of teen programs for one of the local branches. This probably means for all practical purposes an end to this particular blog. I might do a blog for my new job, or I might not.

There is a chance I might do another day or two of subbing (as a retirement account issue), if so I will add the stories. Otherwise, goodbye and thanks for reading.

Bathroom Breaks

One of the hardest parts of the teaching, or the subbing, day is the bathroom break. The teacher I subbed for today actually had 4 different bathroom breaks in her schedule. When I had my own classroom, I usually had a morning and an afternoon break.

Why is the bathroom break so hard? Well the key to maintaining control of a class is eye contact, once you lose that eye contact all control is lost. If I have a group of 10 girls and 10 boys using the bathroom, usually 3 boys and 3 girls use the bathroom at once. Now do I maintain eye contact with the students in the hall or with the 3 boys in the bathroom (the 3 girls in the bathroom aren't an option since I'm a male teacher). Well I've already lost control of the 3 girls using the bathroom, you will use the bathroom for an extended break of talking and makeup application. Do I keep the eye on the boys in the hall who are about to fight or on the boys in the bathroom who decide to play with the toilets and have a water fight. Little kids and bathrooms are absolutely gross!

I was supposed to go through this silliness three times today. I'm sure some of you wonder why I don't just send the kids to the bathrooms on their own. Well its usually against school policy in most urban schools...and here's the kicker if you did send a student to the bathroom on their own and something were to happen to them, you as the teacher are liable for what happens to them. Ninety dollars a day isn't worth it sometimes.

My subbing career will be over in the next week or so, I've been offered a library job---they are just trying to figure out the best branch for me at the moment. So for my last week of subbing I am going to be picky as hell!

Will I miss subbing? I'm sure there will be a little part of me that will, but I am not going to miss my role as disciplinarian. Not one little bit.

Paris Hilton- substitute teacher?

This entry doesn't have anything to do with me subbing, but it seemed an appropriate story for Where's My Real Teacher? anyway.

I can't believe that New Jersey's laws are so loose that they would let 2 bimbos in off of the street to substitute teach. I completely understand the parents being ticked off about having these two teach their children. I can't believe only 34 parents cared enough to object though. I worry about those 340 parents who didn't care.

Still it would have been funny to try and watch these two actually teach, the students would have chewed them alive!
CNN.com - N.J. school says 'no' to 'Simple Life' - Jan 11, 2005

The Fat Lady Hasn't Sung Yet, But The Fat Man Gets Hungry

Well I thought before Christmas vacation that my subbing career was finally be, well I spoke so soon. I am still in the running for one of the library jobs that I applied for (I have a 3rd interview next week), but things aren't falling into place as quickly as I hoped.

It was hard going back to sub again, partially because its been good to have two weeks off, but mainly because I know that I truly want this other job.

A half day assignment came up on the sub website last night, so I figured that would be a good way of getting my foot wet again. It was only from 1:00 to 4:00, the only draw back was it was with one of the difficult classes that I had taught shortly before winter break. I figured 3 hours couldn't be that bad, especially since they would leave the school by 3:30 and might even have one of their special classes. Well I was lucky, when I arrived they went right to art class for an hour. So I actually only had the class from 2:00 until 3:15, and for that I received a half days worth of pay (so I suppose I shouldn't complain too much).

The class was basically as rowdy as last time, mainly lots of talking this time. One of the boys in the class was singing the song from Rally's Hamburger's commercials, "Gotta Have It, Gotta Have It." I told the boy he had to stop because he was making me hungry (which was true because I hadn't eaten at all yet today (poor planning on my part). And this boy thought this was the absolute funniest thing he had ever heard....first he couldn't understand how I could be hungry given my large size, second he decided to taunt me by describing every single type of horrible junk food in the world. He thought he could make me hungrier, of course he did. I'm getting hungry again just thinking about it. So much for those New Year's resolutions.

Subbing Career Over?

I've been looking for a new job working in a library, and I will have my second interview early next week. I don't want to jinx myself, but I am feeling good about it. Christmas vacation started for the school district today, so there is no more work until January---so if things go well, I have done my final day of subbing.

So how was my final day of subbing, it was a pretty usual day. Good times, mixed with bad times. I showed up at the school thinking I would be subbing for a first grade class, but ended up it was for a kindergarten class. I can't say it enough, kindergarteners are unlike any other students. I think they are cute and funny, but I can't stand teaching in a room of 20 of them. Sorry!

The teacher's lesson plans were crazy. She had me do centers with the students. This class had six different centers, so that means that six different groups of three to four kids are each working on separate things at the same time. Several of these centers were various art projects---by the time things were over, there was glitter glue in one boys hair, at least two bottles of glue spilled, scraps of paper everywhere, computers crashing, and who knows what else that I didn't know about. The class even had a instructional assistant to help me in the morning, and we still couldn't keep an eye on all the different things that were going on. Oh yeah, and at the same time I am supposed to be monitoring each of these other groups I am supposed to be teaching one group how to read. There is one positive thing for this much craziness, the day goes by really fast.

The students left for lunch and had recess, when we returned to the class I was expecting a instructional assistant again only to discover I only had her for the morning. I read them a story about ducks jumping in the water. The book is to teach basic addition facts, 1 duck on land + 4 ducks in the water = 5 ducks; every problem equals 5 ducks. We then had an art project that was supposed to go with the story, students were to write out a math problem, and then use stickers to illustrate their problem. So if I wrote 2 + 3 = 5, I would show one group of two stickers and one group of 3 stickers. This is all fine and dandy, but most of these kids haven't even learned to write their numbers properly, and secondly it is too much fun to stick your stickers on your nose or your friend's nose. By this point, I am looking at the clock every other minute to see if it is time to go home.

The next item on the schedule, snack time. I serve as the waiter for 20 impatient kids and serve them apple juice and cookies. Of course apple juice is being spilled, and everyone wants another cookie (but there are no more cookies). I squashed the revolt, but it was difficult.

Finally the end of the day comes. I am always very nervous about the end of the day, because I want all the kids to get home so I can go home. The problem is, I have to make certain that kids go when their bus is called. Then I have to let other kids go to their parents or theirs siblings when they come to pick them up. The problem is I don't know who these parents are, so I rely completely on faith that the parents are who they say they are.

And finally it is the end of the day. Even if I don't get the library job, at least I get a two week break from subbing. YEAH!

**Since I won't be subbing for the next few weeks, there probably won't be much on this blog until the beginning of the new year. I will keep you all posted on whether I will be switching jobs. But then again, is there anyone who actually reads this blog?**

A Hush Takes Over the Room

I was subbing for a 4th grade class at one of the more "urban" schools in my district this morning. Like every class I have subbed for lately they were very talkative. It was a tiny class, only twelve students and I still couldn't control the talking. Then a strange thing happened, for the last fifteen minutes of the reading block I was supposed to read a chapter book to the class. I didn't pay attention to the title of the book, but I believe it was one of those Dear America or other similar type books. This book was the story of a young black girl living in a large city just after the end of the Civil War.

Some kids don't respond to historical books at all, usually boredom and acting out ensues. There was such a hush over the class it was eerie. Here I am a 30-something white male reading a story about prejudice, discrimination, and even violence toward young girls strictly because they were black. As I'm reading, I'm wondering what thoughts are going though their minds. I can't ask the question because the bell is ringing, and even if the bell was ringing I'm almost afraid to know what their thoughts are. Talk about having a case of white guilt.

"We don't like stories!"

My saddest moment of the day was when I decided I would read some stories to the class because the kids were extremely hyper and we weren't getting any work done. I am a good story picker, I pick stories that make kids laugh. But these kids didn't care, as soon as I said I was going to read some stories, they started moaning and groaning. Two different kids yelled out across the room at me, "We don't like stories!" That absolutely floored me. How do I even respond to that? I really had nothing that I could say at that point, other than "I know some kids in this room enjoy stories so I am going to read two funny stories to you."

As soon as I started reading, about half the class started moaning, groaning, talking, and getting out of their seats. I tried pushing through my first story, Shoot! Scat! by Lois Grambling (I will include a review of both books later this weekend on booksforkids.blogspot.com), but it got to a point where it was impossible to read. But as I was reading I noticed that there was a group of about 8 students that were actively paying attention to the story and enjoying it. I decided I would give the small group a special treat, I let the instructional assistant work with the other half of the class and I took the 8 listening students into the hall and we had our own impromptu story time. The kids listened, the kids asked questions, and most of all the kids enjoyed the books (and as an added bonus I enjoyed being with the kids). This small group was such a good audience that I read them a second story, Guji Guji by Chih-Yuan Chen. They wanted to hear even more stories after that, but unfortunately we all needed to go back to the classroom. Those were easily my 20 least stressful and happiest minutes of the day.
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After these past two days I know now more than ever that teaching kindergarten requires very different teaching skills than teaching any other age level. It also requires a whole different level of energy than I know that I have. These last two days of subbing have been more draining that any that I have had in a long time.

What did I learn about kindergarteners? They don't have any memory. You must tell them the same instructions over and over. With older kids I can usually explain why I must do something, but the kindergarteners don't have the reasoning ability to understand explanations.

They also have no concept of time. They start asking about when lunch is within the first 30 minutes of being at school. They ask about using the bathroom five minutes after they have just finished using it.
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Speaking of bathroom breaks, here is an expression I don't want to hear anymore, "I gotta use it!" Use what? It. That isn't just a kindergarten thing, I've heard it at every grade level that I have taught.

Perfect Storm of Subbing

It was the sort of day when I finished work with a splitting headache. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

1. About 15 minutes after arriving at the school I am told by the instructional assistant for the class that this is a kindergarten room. I had accepted the assignment after being told it was for a second grade class. I never accept kindergarten assignments because I just don't have the right sort of energy or patience that they require.
2. Also upon arriving in the room, I am told that the regular teacher has been on maternity leave for the past several months, and that I am the 5th substitute teacher that the class has had during her leave. If any of you know anything about teaching or kids, more than anything they need consistency. Five different substitutes means the class is going to be a disaster in terms of discipline----even more since these are kindergarteners who are still trying to learn what appropriate school behavior is.
3. Since there wasn't a regular teacher in the classroom there were also no lesson plans. Someone had left some photocopies for the kids, but the photocopies were appropriate for third or fourth graders. One of the work sheets was too unscramble various holiday words---these are kids that can just barely spell their name.
4. I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Yes, that is my fault but it makes the day much longer and tougher.
5. In the morning, there were three adults in the room--me the sub, an instructional assistant, and a reading teacher. All three of us were supposed to be teaching reading groups at the same time. Talk about chaos. Too many cooks ruining the soup. Everyone seems to be in charge but no one is in charge.
6. Several kids with various behavior problems, including at least one ADHD kid (my guess is 3 or 4)---but the mother of the one child told me that hers was.
7. I had a job interview immediately after school, so my mind was slightly distracted. After today's class experience lets hope my subbing days are coming to a close.
8. The school librarian didn't show up too teach my class, so I missed a 45 minute break that would have been greatly appreciated today.
9. Little boys trying to get my attention by bawling their eyes out (one boy was crying so loud that the teacher from across the hall came over to see if everything was ok). Why was the kid crying? Because I said he couldn't play Simon Says because he was talking too much.
   
10. Half the kids in the class did not have pencils, and there weren't extra pencils ready.

I know there are other things on the list, but I can't remember what they were. My brain is too frazzled from the day.

So what did the perfect storm look like? Kids laying on the floor, kids taking off their shoes, kids sitting on tables, kids talking, kids yelling, kids pushing, kids running, kids fighting.

Do you want to hear the scariest (well almost scariest) thing? The instructional assistant and several of the other teachers that were near my classroom said that the behavior in my class was 100% better than the day before.

And now for the scariest part? I'm going back to the same class again tomorrow. Why I'm not sure, I figure the kids have had enough chaos already I don't want to give them anymore. Plus, since I'm going through a whole job hiring process, I need to be looking as dependable as possible. What do we say with a day like today? Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!

Driven Insane by a Second Grader

Insane? You think I'm exaggerating for effect? No, and here is the proof of the level of insanity that I reached today. I had two identical twin girls in my class today. The insane part? I didn't realize that I had there were twins in my class until I was dismissing students at the end of the day. I did think that one girl seemed to be moving around the class very fast, but I never came any closer to deducing that there were twins in my class.

So where did my insanity come from? Marcus was his name. A bad tempered little snotmouth, who couldn't sit still without poking and making fun of anyone within ten feet of him. You could tell all the other kids in the class hated him, because everyone had to tell me every single thing he did all morning. I tried to move him, and he would just terrorize different kids. I would catch him in the middle of poking a kid or throwing something, and he would say right to my face that he didn't do it. And every time I said anything to him he would just become belligerent and rude about it.

I sent him to the school's discipline office. Usually that settles a kid down for the rest of the day. It didn't settle Marcus down, he just came back more belligerent and wanting to argue with me. So for my first time ever as a sub, I sent a kid to the discipline office for a second time. Mainly because I didn't want to look at or hear the kid the rest of the day.

The bad thing is, when you focus so much energy on a single student, all the other students decide to act up because they aren't getting any attention from the teacher. So things went chaotic very fast. When I stop to think about it, the whole situation is very sad. Too many kids starved for attention and they will get it anyway that they can.

Nothing like being threatened by a 10-year old

Yes, I had a 10 year old in my class who thought he was a tough guy. He actually faked a punch at me---I've had kids give me the evil eye, I've had kids hit me accidentally when they were swinging at another kid. But this was the first time that I can recall having an elementary student who actually tried to intimidate me. Was I intimidated? No, but I did flinch. I'm still kicking myself for flinching, but it was so unexpected.

Then to top things off, after I had called the office so they could deal with this kid, he actually said this to me, "Shut up, old man!" Can you believe that old man? I'm 36 years old. I'm definitely not old---there were lots of kids at this school who were in their 60's, so even comparatively I'm not old. I've been called lots of things by students, they usually like to say something about my fatness, but never have I been called old. The whole incident was surreal.

Other than that, it was a pretty good day. I have decided that I like subbing for the special education classes. The classes are small, I had 5 to 8 students at a time. I actually get to work with and teach students. You don't know what a big deal that is to me. I love teaching, but I absolutely despise all the other bullshit that goes with the job as a teacher.

Happy Turkey Day to all. Gobble gobble!

School of Rock? Kind of, but not really.

There haven't been a lot of substituting assignments available this month, so even though I was very hesitant I accepted an assignment as a Elementary School Vocal Music substitute. No, I do not have any real music training (I had a year of piano lessons and I played trombone in high school, at which I royally sucked). So its all the more humorous when I found out that in addition to teaching the general music classes I would also be teaching 5th grade woodwinds and 4th grade violins.

If I would have known about the squeaking clarinets and the shrieking violins I would have brought ear plugs today. So how does one teach music lessons when they have no talent themselves, they place a CD into the school's boombox and tell the students to follow along. The CD that the students played along was hilarious, because all the students are really capable of doing is playing the same 2 or 3 notes over and over. So to make it sound more exciting the CD has an accompaniment with these rocking guitars. It works, because the kids thought it sounded cool.

Another interesting thing about working as a music sub is you work with a wider range of students. I taught a kindergarten class, 3rd graders, 4th graders, and 5th graders. Even though I was completely unqualified to teach this class it was easily one of my easiest sub assignments ever. I would "teach" for 40 minutes, and then I would get a 30 minute "planning period", also known as a break. Plus, I had 1.25 hours for lunch instead of the usual 45 minutes or hour lunch that I get when I sub as a regular classroom teacher.

Oh and today I learned that I can't say the word "accompaniment". It was on one of the word puzzles that the 5th grade music class had to complete. I tried saying the word about five times and it comes out gibberish. I keep trying at home and I still can't say it. There is nothing quite like showing your incompetence to a room of ten year olds.

A lump of coal for you

I arrived at my job today (actually almost 20 minutes early) and the teacher had left me no sub plans and very little work for the class. I would be subbing for a second grade class. She did have her lesson plan book, but the notes in her lesson plan book were very much shorthand. I had no information about how long to spend on each subject, I didn't even have times listed for lunch or recess. Her plans for math said - estimation. That was it. It also said estimation for yesterday and also next week. So all I really knew is that the lesson had been introduced, and that she would be spending a little bit of time on the subject. Since this was a second grade class it was very likely that this was the first time that they had talked about estimation. Needless to say I was completely winging it. Just to add some excitement to things, the principal of the school decided to come and sit in on my lesson. This is the first time that I have had this happen as a substitute, that the principal was watching me teach. A little bit unnerving, but luckily even though I was winging it I definitely was in my rhythm today.

My other high/low point of the day is when one of the kids at recess (yes, I somehow managed to have recess duty), came up to me and said that with my goatee and belly that I looked like Santa Claus. Thanks kid! That's a lump of coal for you on December 25th.

Come to think of it, maybe that is my new discipline strategy. I will convince all the younger kids that I am actually Santa Claus on a secret mission to discover which kids are being naughty or nice. Heh, heh, heh---let my evil plan begin.

Free Ice Cream - Not a chance

Sub jobs have been pretty limited this month. I'm not sure why; maybe its because teachers know that they have breaks in their near future. Well it means that I don't really have the option to turn down any jobs that are available. So I accepted another Special Education assignment today. I figured it couldn't be that bad because it was only a half day assignment (12:30 to 4:00). It ended up being even easier than that because the from 12:30 to 1:30 the teacher had her lunch break, which now became my lunch break. I only had students from 1:30 to 3:00 (because students had recess at the end of the day and went back to their homerooms). So in terms of the amount of work, it was a pretty cushy assignment.

Was it perfect? No, Even though it was a special education class I think in actuality it was their class of chronic liars. It was a small group of students, of the 12 students in the class, at least 8 of them tried feeding me some line of bullshit. Lies about other kids behavior. Lies about what class they were supposed to be in. One of the kids even tried telling me that I was supposed to give them ice cream at the end of the day, because that is what the regular teacher does. I really wonder if they thought that I looked that naive? Obviously they did. But needless to say, no one got any free ice cream today.

The other annoying thing about this class was that they were throwing around the word "gay" and "faggot" at each other left and right. So many of the kids were doing it that there wasn't anything that could really be done to put a stop to it. Name calling annoys me, it is so stupid, it snowballs once it starts, and there is very little that a substitute can do to stop it. When I was a regular teacher I could make the lives of the name callers very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point that it wasn't in their interest to let me hear the name calling. But that process usually took a couple of weeks to work out, as a substitute I don't have that luxury.

Maybe I Shouldn't Complain

Nobody had to be tasered in my class today. That has to be something, right?

School Assemblies

School assemblies tend to be a mixed blessing. There are enough other teachers around, and usually a principal also so you really don't have to worry about student behavior that much. It is a break from teaching.

But the assemblies themselves can be quite horrific. Today I was at one of the inner city schools in my district. The school is about 75% African American. For some reason someone decided to invite a dance/gymnastic group for the school assembly. The fifty dancers were from one of the well to do suburbs outside of the district. 95% of the dancers were white.

How do the dancers decide to begin the assembly? With a hip-hop routine of course. I am cringing with embarrassment for the entire race of white people. Who thought this was a good idea? The even sadder thing is...they weren't good. They weren't good dancers, they weren't good looking. The boys in my class and all the other classes start laughing immediately. The assembly has just started and I want it to be over now.

The girls are all tramped out. Way too much lipstick. Way too much makeup in general. Their routine involves several hip thrusts toward the crowd and toward each other. Somebody thought this was appropriate for 1st to 5th graders? Get real!

Balance

I knew it would happen. Yesterday was far too easy and fun of a day. Life always balances out. I don't know where to start

1. I got lost on the way to work today. Ok not really lost, but who hides an elementary school inside of a high school. Well that would be my silly district, an elementary school and a high school housed in the same building. Of course the high school's name is on the big sign out front. The elementary school sign is tucked in a corner and was only visible if you happened to be arriving from the south, I of course was driving from the north. Maybe the elementary school is in the witness protection program.

2. Upon arrival in the office I was warmly welcomed by the secretary, told about a free luncheon for teachers, told there was an afternoon assembly, and pointed toward my room for the day. The school's janitor was waiting at my door to unlock it for me. He also warmly welcomed me and said just to ask if I needed anything. Maybe this was going to be a good day!

3. I accepted this job a few days ago, so it was not an unexpected absence for the regular teacher. The teacher had time to prepare for a substitute. I start reading through the teacher's lesson plans-the plans are vague beyond belief. Example:

9:00 - 10:30 Reading Block with Room 107. See notes.
10:30 - 11:30 Social Studies with Group A. See notes.

I start wondering, what is group A? Am I switching classes, are different classes coming to my room? I don't know because her plans don't give any details. I also have no lunch count sheet in my room. So back to the office I go. Of course the office is empty. I wait for over 5 minutes and no one comes. Finally I run into the secretary as I was walking back to my class.

Another piece of good news. The school doesn't take lunch counts. No explanation, but I don't care. Its the part of the day that I despise so I'm just glad not to have to deal with it. She tells me the fifth grade is split into 3 groups based on behavior. And she tells me that its my lucky day because group A is the good behavior group. Excellent news for me.

4. Students begin to arrive, the teacher has left a note on the board telling the students to behave and to grab a paper from the table to start the day. It is a handwriting paper, and for some stupid reason the teacher only left enough papers for about 2/3 of the class. So all ready 1/3 of the class has a reason to start goofing off.

5. Attendance. You can pretty much figure out which students are going to be a problem as soon as you start to take attendance. This is probably a good thing. You know exactly which names to learn, and which names to leave in the note at the end of the day. Here is a hint, students, if you have a substitute be quiet for the first 15 minutes of the day, and then you can probably get away with murder the other 6 hours because the substitute probably won't know your name.

6. I'm not even done with attendance at this point and I have students yelling across the room, arguing with each other, out of their seats. We start the reading lesson and I have 2 girls who are refusing to work. I start to wonder, if I have group A and they are the good students, what the hell is group C like? Are they convicted felons?

7. The principal and her assistant stop by my class several times throughout the day. It does nothing to stop the behavior of the rowdy students. They just keep screwing around without a care in the world.

8. Assembly---this deserves its own separate post.

9. Birthday celebration. A girl's mother arrives with cupcakes for the entire class. Just what this class needs--Sugar. Luckily the day will be over in 30 minutes.

Smooth Sailing / Students That Work

I was back at my neighborhood school today. Once again it was an absolute treat to be at that school. It is amazing to work with a group of students who understand why they are at school. They are at students to learn. You give these students work to do, they do their work. You ask students to be quiet, they are quiet. The students actually picked up books and read on their own when they finished their work.

I know this sounds like a bunch of boring docile students, but they really aren't. They laugh, they are noisy, they are silly just like any other fourth graders. The difference is when it is time to work, they work. And I didn't have to drive these students with threats. The only thing I had to say is if students didn't finish their class work during class they would have to finish it during recess. And that wasn't even that big of a threat because it rained like crazy today, so everyone was going to be inside one way or another.

Things went so smoothly today that I had several empty spots during the day. It took us less than thirty minutes to complete the math lesson that the regular teacher planned for us to spend an hour. And it was like that for everything today.

I really wonder what makes for such a good class. The teacher didn't seem to have any strict discipline procedures in place. Maybe its the parents. I just don't know. All I know is that I like going to this school a lot. The principal even asked at the end of the day if I would come back again. Come back again? Hell yeah! I get to teach. I don't have a headache at the end of the day. The kids are happy to see me there. Yes, I would return in a second.

Well tomorrow I am at a new school, and for some silly reason I am teaching a 5th grade class. This will be the oldest bunch that I have taught this year, I hope I am not making a mistake.

Whack-A-Mole

Have you ever played the classic arcade/carnival game, Whack-A-Mole? Substitute teaching is a lot like that game. Sometimes you get into a certain rhythm where you are hitting each and every mole perfectly. Other times you miss one silly little mole and its impossible to get your rhythm back and you end up with a suck score and no tickets.

What the hell does this have to do with substitute teaching? Well the moles are students acting up. They might be talking. They might be out of their seat. They might be sleeping instead of working. They might be clicking their tongue loudly. It could be anything. The goal of the teacher is to extinguish these behaviors that are interrupting the lesson. Sometimes when I've found my rhythm all I have to do is give a student a certain look and they will stop what they are doing. Other times I might just stand next to them for a little while. The days when I have my teaching rhythm going, I can handle and control almost any sort of student behavior.

Today was not one of those days. I've had a nasty head cold for the past week, and this was my first day back in school. Truthfully, my head was still spinning from an overload of cold medicine.

The day doesn't get off to a good start, the school office is swamped when I arrive so I can't get anyone to check me in or tell me to which room to report. I finally find the room and it is locked, so I have to wait for someone to open up the room. Fifteen minutes have no been wasted in which I could have been reading the lesson plans---instead I have less than ten minutes to figure out my whole day. Just to add to the confusion the office starts making announcements about it being picture day and that there will also be an assembly.

Before I realize it students start arriving. They are talking. No one wants to sit down. No one wants to do the work that their teacher left on the board. They start asking to use the bathroom. And this is all in the first five minutes of the school day.

I start asking, and then telling students to sit down and do their work. They could care less about anything I have had to say. The talking increases. The students moving around increases. My voice gets louder and firmer. It doesn't matter. I have lost my rhythm and I won't be getting it back today. By the day is over I have kids kicking each other. Girls are crying. A student is in the principal office. I've been told several times that they want their real teacher back. Two students have snuck into the room during a bathroom break and thrown everyone's work on the floor. Oh yeah---and this is a 3rd grade class that I taught today.

I'm sure my rhythm will be back next week. They will be a different class, and I will be a different teacher (hopefully one not at all groggy on cold medicine). And most of all I will be thinking hard about proper Whack-A-Mole strategy---start strong, finish strong, and don't let a single mole leave your sight.

A Special Kind of Day

Yes, I had my first day of special education substituting today. Truthfully it was a good day, even though there were lots of reasons why it shouldn't have been.

I arrived in the classroom and the lesson plans that were left for me were minimal at best, and I could tell right away that the there had been a substitute in the class for several days for me. Its always a very scary thing when you realize that there has been a substitute in the class the day (or several days before you)---you instantly ask the question, what happened to the other substitute? Did something so horrible happen that they refused to return. There is also the fact that kids don't like change, and a substitute is definitely a major change for students. So you start wondering how the kids are going to act out in reaction to having yet another substitute.

Like I said, it could have been a bad day, but it wasn't. I looked at my schedule, and I had over an hour of prep time at the beginning of the day. Plus (and a big plus at that!), since I didn't have a homeroom class I didn't have to take attendance or lunch count. The worst part of the day never even had a chance to happen. Continuing to look at the schedule, I noticed that in addition to an hour for lunch, I had another hour break later in the afternoon.

As I am reading through this, the regular teacher came in and began to thank me profusely for taking his class. He apoligized over and over for having such sloppy lesson plans (and gave me a decent enough excuse for not completing them). He also informed me that he would be in the building all day in meetings, but that if any of the students gave me trouble I was to get him. Nothing like being able to give students the warning that if you screw up your teacher is here to take care of things---straightens kids out pretty fast. The regular teacher also told me sincerely not to worry too much about the lessons, because if anyone complained they were his fault and not mine. Always good to know the burden is off of your shoulders.

After I spent an hour looking over materials and other dawdling, the students began to arrive. The first part of the day is reading and language arts instruction. In the district I am in, the have structured language arts instruction so tightly that all the teacher really does is read from a script.

"The letter a makes an ay sound, like in the word hay. Everyone say hay."

And the script continues like this for basically two hours of time. Boring, but hard to screw up. It makes me wonder how much longer until teachers are replaced by robots. You think I'm joking, but I'm not.

After language arts most of the kids leave, for the rest of the day I am just working with special education students (2nd and 3rd grade). I am supposed to be working with 2 different groups at the same time. 2nd graders are trying to learn the difference between odds and evens, and the 3rd graders are writing the 1st draft of a new story. There are only eight boys in the room at this point (yes every single special education student that I am working with is a boy).

The kids who are writing seem to have a good grasp of what they are working on, so I spend most of the time with the math group. I am using blocks to try and demonstrate the difference between odd and even numbers. For the number seven, I show them a 3 groups of 2 blocks and 1 leftover block---"no friend" or the "odd" numbers. I show them the number six, and I show them 3 groups of 2 blocks--every block has a friend this time. This makes sense to each of the boys. Now we try to show odds and evens on a worksheet, and everything we have spent the last twenty minutes doing has vanished.

The afternoon comes and I continue working with small groups--only 4 or 5 at a time in the afternoon. I am starting to see some of the learning difficulties at this point. Students unable to write, some with some major speech problems, and most who seem distracted by the slightest little thing.

The regular teacher comes in at several points during the day to see if I am ok. Of course I am---this day has been a piece of cake compared to most that I have had lately. No real behavior problems. Sure I'm frustrated teaching wise---because these kids are performing at such a low level---but there isn't anything I can do about that in a single day.

No Show!

I called in and cancelled my assignment at about 3:30 AM this morning. This isn't the first time that this has happened this year, but I have this feeling of dread and worry that come over me. I had said that I was a little bit worried because I was going to be at a new school, but starting at about 11:00-Midnight I started having this feeling of something bad happening. The feeling was completely non-specific.

I'm not even sure if this feeling had anything to do with teaching or not. Its weird you want to feel like you can trust your own gut, but part of me wonders if I really should be trusting it.

Instead I laid in bed till 12:45, went for a walk, and basically accomplished nothing for the day. So this cycle will repeat itself. I have another substitute assignment scheduled for tomorrow, and now I will feel like I will have to go since I haven't made enough money this week. And I can already feel the dread coming on about tomorrow, I actually have a special education substitute teaching assignment tomorrow. I still don't know why I accepted it---maybe because nothing else was being offered a few weeks ago.

Time for me to chill!

Tiny Chairs

I had another one of those substitute assignments where I signed up for one thing, and ended up with something else. I signed up to teach in a 2nd grade classroom today, but instead I was placed in a first grade classroom. I'm sure you are thinking, no big whoop! From my perspective, I think the change from 1st grade to 2nd grade is one of the biggest changes during elementary school.

1st graders tend to be pretty helpless--you still have kids in the class who can't read or write. Most 2nd graders are at least a little more self-sufficient. With 1st graders it seems like every time you ask a child to do something, you have to repeat yourself at least 7 or 8 times, with 2nd graders you are only repeating yourself 3 or 4 times.

Other than that, it was actually a pretty good day. 1st graders tend to love any and all adults. Even if you bust a kid for some sort of trouble they don't seem to ever hold it personally against you. It was quite a change from the other week when several students told me that they didn't want me as a substitute again, today I was hearing that I was the best substitute ever (and it was sincere, not in the kiss up ways that you might hear from older kids).

Oh and the other fantastic thing today, the classroom I was in had a parent helper. And get this parent helper's job was to take attendance and lunch count. Talk about perfection---I got to avoid least favorite activity for the second time in one month. Parent helpers, that is the sign that you are in a good school. You don't need fancy test scores to evaluate schools, just determine how many parent helpers there are, and are they helping with things that make a difference----and yes, attendance and lunch count does make a difference!

So tiny chairs! I walk into this classroom and honestly there was only a single chair in the entire room that had a seat higher than my knee. There wasn't a single table that was higher than my table---I was permanently crouched the whole day. No wonder my back was killing me when I got home. But it did make me feel like a giant, because I towered over everything and everyone in this classroom.

Off to get some sleep, because I am back at it again tomorrow. I will be visiting a school that is new to me, and I'm a little bit fearful of it. The school is near the last school that I had trouble with a few weeks ago. I know I shouldn't judging schools based on their location, but I have been very skittish about new schools lately.

Stupidity

Probably not the right word to use when I am talking about a 7-year old girl, but its the one that comes to mind. I had a fairly decent day of substituting, lots of talkative kids, but no real trouble.

It was 2:15, only an hour left in the day, and the kids were going to spending the rest of the day in art and at an assembly. So for all practical purposes my work is done for the day. I had the students waiting on the carpet, and then we were going to line up and go to art. As I'm watching all the kids get settled on the carpet, I notice out of the corner of my eye that a girl has a scissors in her hand. We haven't used scissors at all today, and they don't take anything with them to art.

I look at the Samantha closer, and she is using her scissors to cut the jacket of the girl sitting in front of her. Cathy is oblivious to what is happening to her. I walk the students to art and I take Samantha right to the office. Why am I taking Samantha to the office? You would not believe how pissed parents get when their child's clothes are ruined at school. Especially since I could tell Cathy's jacket was close to brand new.

As I walked Samantha to the office, I asked her why she cut Cathy's jacket. "Well she cut my clothes yesterday."

Huh? "Did you tell a teacher?"

"Yes."

"Did Cathy get in trouble?"

"Yes, she got sent to the office."

That wasn't enough for Samantha, she had to wreck her clothes also. That is one of the things I don't like about being a substitute, I'm not going to see how this drama unfolds--or maybe that is a good thing.

As soon as I enter the office, the secretary is shocked that I have Samantha with me. The principal is even more shocked. And all I can think is how stupid this whole thing is.

I actually growled today!

It was one of those days today. Nothing seemed to go right, and I ended up having a splitting headache before 11 a.m. I'm still not exactly sure what happened, but I definitely wasn't "on" today.

There are some jobs that you can coast through when you know you are having an off day. When your job involves "performing" for a group of 20-30 ten-year olds they pounce the second they realize you are having an off day. And pounce they did! There was talking. There was bickering. There were refusals to sit. There were refusals to work. There was pouting. There was shouting. And yes there was growling! All of these things ended up being true for the class, as well as true for me.

When a class won't quiet down and do there work, it forces a teacher to think on their feet. Sometimes creative thoughts occur, other times they don't. One girl got upset with me because I asked her to do her assignment, she got a little pissy and gave me this stern look with a little rumbly growl to go along with it. So the mature adult that I am, I turned and stared at her and gave her an even bigger growl. The rest of the class found it hilarious. Pissy girl immediately started saying that she never growled at me---so I turned to the rest of the class who were now on my side---did anyone hear Pissy growl? Almost immediately every hand in the class was raised high.

And no, I didn't really call the girl Pissy (I told you I would be making up names for the students----I didn't say they would always be positive names....did I?)

Did the growling help the class settle down? Hell no! Did it make me feel better---yeah for a minute or two.

Funny incident number 2 for the day. Another male student, Billy, was talking constantly today---so I moved him to another table away from his buddies and next to two girls. Billy kept trying to move back to his buddies, so I kept sending him back to the table with the girls. About the 3rd time that I moved him, he said to me in front of the whole class, "I'm going to tell my Mom what you did. She'll make it so you aren't our substitute again!"

Oh no, not your Mommy!!!! Do I honestly care if I sub for this class again? NO!!!!!!! Do these silly kids actually think it is a privilege to be their substitute----get real? Does a ten-year old actually think he can honestly threaten a substitute teacher with the threat of his mommy?

Don't get me wrong, I have some regular classes and schools that I love going back to----but I have absolutely no problem refusing to ever go back to a school if I don't like it. I might go back to this school---I don't think I would go back to that particular class again.

No lunch or attendance counts!!!

It was a good day of subbing today. Someone must have heard me complaining about lunch and attendance counts because I was placed in a semi-team teaching room today, and luckily those responsibilities belonged to the other teacher.

I spent the first half of my morning working with small groups (1-5) first graders who were struggling to read and write. A much more enjoyable setting than a class of 30 students. Later in the morning I switched with the other teacher and had a larger group of students for reading and then again in the afternoon for math.

Also the school had a fire drill, which seemed sort of strange and pointless because most of classes were outside at recess when the alarm went off. I suppose that is one way to have good evacuation times.

There is more to say about this day...but I am leaving town in just a few minutes....so I will revise this when I return.

Surprise!

Today was a FUBAR sort of day. I had accepted the job about a week ago to substitute in a 4th grade classroom. One of the nice things about accepting a job a week or more beforehand, is that the regular teacher has plenty of time to prepare plans and materials for the substitute.

I arrived at the school this morning, and the school secretary informed me that the teacher I was to sub for was reassigned from 4th to 2nd grade yesterday. I arrive in the classroom and it is a disaster---her desk might even have been messier than my desk. I find her lesson plans, and for practically each subject I either have to make copies or transparencies to teach the lessons. One especially aggravating thing, was for one lesson she wanted to me to make copies of something that she didn't even have.

I always arrive at the school about 40-50 minutes before class begins, so that I can familiarize myself with the lesson and review students names. So now instead of me preparing myself to teach, I am going to be working as her secretary. This pisses me off to no end. I can understand with teachers who call in sick that morning, maybe something wasn't ready ahead of time. But this teacher new she was having a substitute for over a week.

Because of this the lessons did not go smoothly at all, I was constantly going back to the plan book to see what I am supposed to do next. And since all the students were completely new to this teacher, there were no procedures in place for bathroom breaks, pencil sharpening, or the other usual silliness. So here it is I look like the clod not knowing what to do next, when actually it was the regular teacher who didn't have her act together.

Other than that it was a fun bunch of kids that I worked with today. No real problems and everyone made it through the day, including the teacher without crying.

Lunch Counts and Attendance Annoy Me!

Today was just a normal day of subbing. That's not really true. There are no normal days of subbing, but it was at least a day that didn't screw with my head for a week. I was back at the school where I started this year. I subbed in a 3rd grade classroom.

No real problems, but these kids wanted to talk and talk and talk (and probably talk some more after that). I need to think of some more effective ways of controlling the talkers---other than threatening to take away recess or putting a name on the board. I'll gladly accept any suggestions that any of you might have out there.

My gripe with subbing today is attendance and lunch counts. I hate doing it! Attendance isn't really that bad, you just call out a name and listen for a voice to say "here". The only problem with attendance is trying to pronounce several new names. I didn't really notice it last time I was at this school, but there is a very large Muslim population---so it made for lots of names that were new to me, and names with lots of vowels. I also had 3 Mohammeds in a single class.

Lunch count is the thing that causes me more trouble. There are too many options---a student might be absent, a student might pack their lunch, a student might buy an extra lunch. Then there is the complication of free lunches, reduced lunches, and full price lunches. Once you get through that whole mess, you have to try and collect lunch money. Most of the schools I teach at, even the full price students don't have lunch money---I hate this part of the day because I feel that I am interrogating the students about their family's finances. It is none of my damn business.

I read "The Gruffalo" to the class today, and they all loved the story. Definitely one I should add to my regular collection for read alouds.

I'm not sure when my next sub assignment is, but you will hear the story as soon as I return.

Not a good day!

Nobody did anything wrong to me. I didn’t do anything wrong to anyone else. Most bad days of subbing have to do with someone having done something wrong.

Disrespect, fighting, threats, lack of lesson plans, not allowing me to teach----those are the usual things that students, teachers, and administrators could possibly do to me that might lead me to call a day a bad one. None of those things happened yesterday.

I didn't screw up my lessons, I didn't say something disrespectful to a student, I didn't lose a student on a field trip, and I didn't allow a student to get hurt---those are a few of the things that I might do that would lead me to call a day a bad one. None of those things happened yesterday.

Yesterday was a clearly a bad day. I got home, I curled up in a ball and I slept for 12 hours. I did not work as a sub today. I'm writing this post a day late. So what happened? I accepted a job at a school fairly close to my house in a good neighborhood. I checked out the school's web page and it said in addition to its regular education program the school taught children with orthopedic challenges. I am thinking to myself that there would be some students with movement issues. I didn't think it would be an issue because the substitute request I accepted was for a regular teacher, not a special education teacher. Those are 2 different types of substitute requests.

Well I arrive at the school Monday morning, and once again there is a substitute scheduling snafu. It’s not a major one, I was supposed to be in one teacher's classroom for the morning and I would be assigned as needed in the afternoon. I figured as assigned would be helping out a regular teacher. Helping out another teacher is usually a fairly easy assignment, so I was ok with it. Well the snafu was that the morning and afternoon assignments were switched...not a big deal. So it meant I would be "assigned" for the morning instead.

Well they assigned me to work with another substitute who was teaching in a classroom with five "orthopedically" challenged children. He had never worked in a special needs classroom before; I had never worked in a special needs classroom before. Two substitutes in one classroom is not a good mix, because who exactly is “in charge” of that classroom. And the teacher's assistant who normally helps out the class was in a meeting for the first part of the morning. I start glancing at the teacher's emergency lesson plans (these are the plans that are used when a teacher hasn't prepared plans in advance---they end up being extra lame, and extra vague), since the other substitute doesn’t really know what is going on. I quickly realize that these aren’t the type of lesson plans that I normally use.

Morning Plans for Room 15
8:45-9:00 Students arrive. Check their bags for class folder.
9:00-9:15 Play video for student (no specified title), take attendance/lunch count
9:00 Childcare attendant will feed Maria
9:15-11:00 Take students to OT/PT
9:30 Childcare attendant will change diapers for Alex and Maria
10:00 Childcare attendant will feed and change Fred

I wasn't going to be in the room past 11:00, so I just concentrated on that first part of the schedule. It was more than enough information to take in at once anyway. Debby arrived first. She was pushed into the room in a wheel chair, her eyes were glazed over almost catatonic. I said hi to Debby and there was nothing resembling a response from her, not even a blink or a shifting of the eyes. The school’s nurse came into the room at about the same time. “You are going to have to keep a close eye on Debby, she had a seizure yesterday. It was the first time she has had one, so if she happens to have another one today you need to time how long it lasts and call the office.” Time how long it lasts? Time how long it lasts---that’s what they want me to do? Not exactly one of those items covered in substitute training or my regular teacher training for that matter.

Mr. Green the other substitute teacher immediately decides to test out the schools intercom system, “Testing, 1, 2, 3. Does this work?” The first time I had ever seen someone test the intercom system. Next, Alex and Darla both arrive in wheel chairs. Neither talking. I said hello to both Darla didn’t respond, but Alex gave me the closest thing to a response, he grabbed my hand, pulled it close to his face, and slobbered on it. Not really the greeting I was expecting, but the only sign of life I have noticed so far. I watch Darla and her foot is twitching rapidly. What is happening?

Next Fred arrived, also in a wheel chair. From the moment Fred arrived he laughing hysterically. Almost shrieking, but it is definitely laughter. The childcare attendant told us that Fred would probably spend the whole day laughing. The childcare attendant tells us that this is a good time to turn on the video. The video begins, and crap it is actually a Barney video. As if these kids don’t have enough problems they are being subjected to Barney videos. My guess is each of the kids in the class is about 8-11 years old. Fred’s laughter is actually good at this point, because I want to cry. Substitute teachers joke a lot about being glorified baby sitters, but today I certainly don’t think I will be doing any teaching.

It is 9:15 and another woman comes into the room. “Hi, I’m one of the physical therapists. Bring your class into the hall at about 9:30 and we will help you take them down.” An extra 15 minutes of Barney videos--Yeah for us!

Mr. Green and I line the students up in the hall. Fred is still laughing and shrieking in the hallway. Debby is sleeping. The childcare attendant is changing Maria.

Three different therapists meet us outside the classroom, and we all start pushing the kids to the therapy room. We didn’t really know what was next for us. Were we dropping the kids off, were we staying in the therapy room.

All of us stay in the therapy room with the kids. This is the first time for the school year that the kids are using the therapy room, so it is an absolute mess. Stuff is everywhere. In order to get to the section of the room, I have to move things off of the floor so I can push Debby’s wheelchair to where they want us to go.

The one occupational therapist, Mr. Jones, is doing a somewhat good job of telling us what we are actually doing. He tells us that we are trying to get the children out of their usual seated positions, and put their bodies into various other positions to basically stretch them out.

Alex is the only one of the students who seems to be aware that I am even present. I notice he is looking at a ball in the corner of the room. I walk over, pick up the ball and show it to Alex. Alex grabs it out of my hand and throws it toward one of Maria. Of course Maria doesn’t respond at all. I pick the ball up and walk it over to Alex again. I hold the ball a little tighter; Alex tugs at it until I finally release it. Immediately he throws the ball back over at Maria. Alex is amused by this, but is this really what we are supposed to be doing. I realize if I give the ball back to Alex he is just going to throw it at Maria again, so instead I put the ball away.

The three therapists are talking among themselves, what should we do with them today. Fred is making the most noise with his laughter, so they decide to take care of him first. They lift him up out of his wheel chair, and lay him down on a tumbling mat. They then proceed to place him on a thin foam mattress, roll him up inside of the mattress and tie the mattress so that he is stuck inside like a pig in a blanket. I understand the reason is to try and stretch out his legs, since he is folded up in a wheel chair all day---but to any outsider walking into the school they would be wondering what the hell are you doing to these kids. Fred doesn’t mind at all, he just keeps laughing. I roll him and his mattress on the mat, not quite sure I should really be doing to this restrained kid.

Ms. Caroline one of the other therapists decides that since Alex was enjoying the ball so much they would give him something to play with. They place him in a chair and dangle a ball above his head from a string. Alex will now spend the next hour swinging and throwing a ball to himself.

Debby is placed in a swing. Maria is laid out on the floor with a musical toy that is supposed to be touch activated, but she decides to use her mouth instead. Darla is placed in this box that allows her to stand straight up; it almost looks like a box that a magician uses when he saws the woman in half.

After about an hour they take Fred out of his rolled up mattress and place him in a inflatable pool filled with small hollow balls. They move Alex into the same pool. Alex immediately starts throwing the balls out of the pool. Fred doesn’t do anything in the pool of balls except sink deeper and deeper. I’m thinking to myself, this is actually school? In no way this is education. I understand it is important, but it is so sad and depressing. These aren’t children that will ever be able to even take care of themselves, much less do something for others. When I tell my wife about this after I get home, she tries to tell me it is ok, because they don’t even have awareness of their troubles. But just the lack of self-awareness is enough to depress me.

I can’t wait for it to be 11 am so that I can move to my next class. At about 10:45 we start moving everyone back into their respective wheelchairs so we can take them back to the room. The therapists, Mr. Green, and I wheel the children back to the room.

I breathe a sigh of relief and wish Mr. Green luck with the rest of his day. I walk toward Ms. Karl’s room knowing that the rest of my day can only be better.

I walk into the room, and Ms. Karl greets me and has me introduce myself to the third grade class. They are working on a writing assignment, so she tells me just to wait in the back of the classroom and read through the afternoon plans. It is a small class only 15 students. Everyone is working so quietly and diligently. Not a single kid appears to be off task.

The lesson plans are straight forward, and there really isn’t a lot left for the day. From 12 to 1 the kids are at lunch and recess. From 2:15 to 2:30 they have recess again. And from 2:30 to 3:15 another teacher is team teaching in the classroom. So I only have about an hour and 15 minutes left in the classroom.

Ms. Karl is going to leave shortly before the kids go for recess so she asks me to take over the class. At this point she starts telling me about certain students in the class. “Amy is visually handicapped, so you have to read everything that you put on the board for her. Tammy has a disease where she has to be very careful about people touching her or bumping into things. She goes to a special class for gym and recess.”

This “regular” class seems to have quite a few problems also. I notice that another girl that Ms. Karl didn’t mention, Sara, is missing her right leg and has two crutches leaning against her desk. These are 8 and 9 year olds, they shouldn’t have problems like this. I start thinking about the kids I worked with in the morning, at least they didn’t realize that they had problems---but these three kids were certainly well aware of their limitations.

As I walk the class toward the playground for recess the student I think about the most is Tammy. How unfair is it that you can’t even go to recess or gym with your class. She is covered from head to toe in bandages, covering up what I am sure are some not-so-pleasant looking bruises. I can see some of the bruises on her hands and neck, and I am sure what is under the bandages is only worse.

The other kids in the school seem to take all of this in stride. I didn’t hear any name-calling the entire day. None of the petty bickering that you normally hear in an elementary school. Everything is so not normal.

The rest of the day goes by fairly quickly. When I am teaching my mind is only half on the lesson—I’m just thinking about these three kids in my class. I’ve forgotten the ones in the morning. For some reason these three kids who mentally have no problems at all, but have severe physical problems that no one should have to deal with, are the ones I can’t seem to shake from my mind.

The day ends and lots of the teachers ask me how my day went. Teaching-wise it went well. I can’t complain. Kids didn’t misbehave. No one disrespected me. The teacher left me clear plans. But my mind is an absolute mess. I can’t say that out loud to another teacher. As teachers we are supposed to be able to deal with this sort of stuff, but I can’t seem to handle it.

I walk down the street to the bus stop and I am pissed. I’m not sure who I should even be pissed at. I guess I am pissed because nobody warned me what I should expect. I am pissed because I am doing a job that I don’t have training for, I’m not even sure what training one could be given for a day like this.

Oh yeah, and I’m pissed off because this neighborhood has no sidewalks. Who builds a school in a neighborhood with no sidewalks? Let alone a school for children in wheelchairs in a neighborhood with no sidewalks? Are people idiots or what? And now once again my blood is boiling and I just want to go curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

Housekeeping News

I have stripped all references to my city and state from the blog. I want some more freedom to say what I really want to say and I would like to reduce the chance of my words coming back to haunt me. I know I won't eliminate the risk, but hopefully no one will do a search for my school district and be given a link to this blog.

A plea to those of you that happen to know me, please allow me to keep my anonymity intact.

Yes I know, I am a paranoid crackpot Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't coming to get me.